I had a panic attack tonight. It usually starts in my belly, but this time it started in my neck and shoulders. I couldn’t remember the grounding techniques my therapist had shown me, so I had to find some on Google; no easy feat when you’re in the midst of one.
I actually went with two: a safe place and ten deep breaths. My safe place was thinking about talking to Momma Pat and how she can calm me down when I get like this. As I thought of that, I took ten slow breaths, which helped get the oxygen flowing a lot better to my brain. After five minutes, I was able to grab my computer and write this all down.
It’s not always that easy, especially when you’re alone. Grounding yourself in the middle of a panic attack is really a test of your ability to fight the irrational thoughts that have invaded your mind out of nowhere, and I don’t care what anyone says, there’s nothing worse than being alone and afraid.
The real issue here is that I’ve been having them more frequently in the past few months, a fine compliment to the tremors, short-term memory loss, and stuttering I’ve acquired from what I think is the lingering effects of Xanax withdrawal but to be sure, I’m having an MRI next month to see what’s going on in the old cranium.
The last time I had them with this frequency was when I was 29, almost 26 years from this moment. That was a complete and utter meltdown, so bad that I became agoraphobic for about 4 months if I remember correctly. What got me out of that hell was the constant support from Joelle and the little bitty fact that she got pregnant at some point during that long episode.
Having a child on the way definitely got my ass out of that funk but I don’t think… in fact, I know I haven’t really resolved what put me there in the first place, which is why it’s rearing its ugly head again.
However, unlike the last time when I tried to hide from life and myself for months, I’m fighting this head-on. I’m being more proactive in this battle through therapy, medication, and mindfulness. Again, no easy task when your brain is mind-fucking itself, but somehow I’m staying afloat.
School starting again has helped to keep my mind busy. My problem is that I have no source of income, being that I have trouble doing the most menial tasks, including driving. The panic attacks (or fear of having one) are a source, but a lot of it stems from the uncontrollable tremors and memory loss.
I’ve applied for disability but as anyone who’s ever applied for it knows, it can be a long, frustrating process. I just want to be able to pay my bills until I emerge from this fog…if I ever do.
For now, I just have to keep fighting onward and forward. I really don’t have any other choice.
*This post was written while listening to Ted Lasso playing on the TV in the background*
Just got this Todd. Thank you for sharing your story. It is truly empowering.
I two am doing the disability right now. I have stage 4 COPD and just can’t do it anymore. I wish the best.